on mute

in an argument between the mind and the body the body will ultimately win. FACT.

damien hirst

was it really only last week that i had the botox injections (31 of them) for my migraine? okay, it was 10 days ago, and it feels like a lifetime, because after i had them i went straight out and started living. i went on holiday – i traveled, i drank wine, i stayed up late, i missed meals, i said “yes” without thinking. it was WONDERFUL.

when i got home i carried on – i went long walks, i saw friends, i went swimming. i ignored the headaches, the neck pain, the stomach pain, the leg pains as best i could, i medicated and i blanked the information feeding back from my body – help! help! it squealed. and i blithely ignored “it”. my body. talking to me.

the swimming on friday was when i finally acknowledged that i had to slow down. before botox i could swim for five minutes at a time and pacing was a matter of restraint. this time round i had to break in the middle of the 5 mins and i could not do more than 10 in all. i had hit the wall.

rewind, then, my friend, to when dr elrington SAID you had to take things easy. you had to pace things. and start again.

by yesterday i had decided that i really must do a LOT less. and build it up. i could have told myself that. so why didn’t i?

it’s simple. i was being human.

it’s so counter intuitive to live without hope, without plans, to stop and rest before feeling tired, to stop altogether when allotted activity has been done. to recognize constraints. to respect limitations.

Ron Gilad – Mirror, 2011

happily for me, i have my buddha skills to turn to. because the visit to the land of hope and energy had me job hunting, house hunting, dreaming, and planning. all the while denying that – yes, i was still taking triptans. i was still flaring up all over. the botox gave me an inch and i had taken a mile without stopping to think about how, after the push, comes the crash.

i had a brief glimpse of who i could be, who, perhaps, i would be… if if if. if only. and then i came back to reality. just like all those people who play the lottery do every week. the truth is that the botox is good. i doubt i could have swung into denial for over a week if it wasn’t. i am still taking triptans, but i am responding to them better, i still get aches and pains but i can exercise more, i still get exhausted, but the fatigue doesn’t lay me so low or last so long and has less disastrous consequences. it’s good, it just isn’t that good. the magic bullet of fable is just that. and why should it be more, really? i suppose having paid £600 for it i want £600 worth of well. and i am getting it, it’s just not perfection.

and there are other avenues to explore – i’m not finished yet. dr elrington said that i could up my dose of venlafaxine (effexor). he looked it up, and it seems that the max dose is 5x what i am taking. my migraines went from daily to approx 3 weeks in 4 when i started taking it, so there is margin for treating it as a serious contender for migraine relief. for my part, i have to jiggle that with an antipsychotic to ward off mania, but knowing about risks like that is half the battle. (i take quetiapine these days, for anyone who is interested in the particulars).

i’m kind of sad that it is probably unrealistic to start looking for work just yet, but in all honesty i need to get generally fitter to be a contender as such. i have three weeks of lifts to the swimming pool with stephen before he goes on holiday, and my intention is to join the gym they are building nearby, so i can work on specific things, like strengthening my back.

back to life, back to reality…


2 thoughts on “on mute

  1. I am glad that you have discovered a new path of treatment that is helping; and I am even more so that you realized that is was helping but that you had to acknowledge that it is process before you undid the progress it has made!

    1. it was nice to go a bit daft, and now it is good to settle down and work out what the parameters are.

      especially if i am considering another change to put in the mix. no point in having no baseline info to report to the doc.

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