i’ve got klout

klout is a very humbling site. no matter how much i use it i have never really understood it.

as far as i can usefully see, it’s, i don’t know, some sort of marketing thing? anyway, you are supposed to be able to measure how influential you are in various topics, which might be impressive? to someone? (either someone who has heard of klout and knows how it works or else someone who has never heard of it and who is easily blinded by the sheer effervescence of internet thingumyjigs.) if i use it at all it is to try and give someone K+ points for something silly which klout doesn’t have, so twisting their categories round for fun.

in the meantime, i have lots of KLOUT. i am just hooching with it. i have a steady score of about 50. whatever that means. apparently my ‘true reach’ has gone down. aaw. it’s gone from nearly two thousand to under one thousand. why and why? as fun as it may or may not be to look at graphs that mean nothing to me, i have to say, my favourite thing is the randomness of my TOPICS.

i am currently influential about 20 topics. thankyou thankyou thankyou.

top of the pops, in at number 1 is…

tea.  well, this is reasonable enough, since actual people have given me K+s in tea. so it makes sense. plus i do mention tea a fair bit on twitter, and klout gets it’s info on me from twitter and fb.

libraries are next highest on the list. now, it is possible i might have posted an article about libraries on fb? otherwise i don’t know how i got all the klout. it went straight in at number two with no people giving me K+s. it’s a mystery. i did review a book on goodreads that i read about 20 years ago, d’you think that’s what it was about? i mean, i like libraries, but i haven’t used one in years.

tumblr is at number 3. fair enough. i am on tumblr, and i tag posts where i mention it, so that is fair enough. am i INFLUENTIAL though? possibly. i remember helping someone once with a question about tumblr… oh! wait! i wrote a blog post called pinterest v tumblr so – where’s my damn klout in pinterest, eh?

at 4 is photography. back in the game here with an actual person, our ken, of lahikmajoe fame (his blog is right there on the side bar, no i am not linking to it, just look yourself!) gave me K+s in photography. which is kind, since he can obviously actually do photography in a way in which i am not even a good amateur. i know what a good picture looks like, but cameras are way too technical for me. i tend to turn the flash off, and that’s about it for my technical skills.

klout believes i am influential about the olympics. well, okay, i’ll bite. it is true that i have posted a number of articles and blogs about the snipers and missiles and the protests around the olympics. bless them for thinking that that IS the olympics. or maybe they are ahead of the curve, maybe the social unrest and private police forces ARE the olympics, now?

oatmeal. really? oatmeal? do you mean PORRIDGE? klout, this may be the first time i have ever mentioned porridge. ever.

animals. klout believes i am influential about animals. well, if you count posting pictures of laughing foxes and videos of talking dogs as being INFLUENTIAL then yes. yes i am!

berlin. i have mentioned berlin in this blog. i posted a photo of the cosy wasch next door to my hotel, once. i went to berlin ages ago to have an operation to fillet the frown muscles out from over my eyes. the woman in the next bed got 100% better from having this operation. me? nada. i got nothing but a couple of chances to practice my schoolgirl german.

oh yeah, and a face like this for a week.

hunger games. well, i have actually done a whole blog post about the hunger games so that seems reasonable. though whether i actually influenced anyone with my review i would rather doubt. still, nice of them to notice. i put rather a lot of work into that.

for some reason i am equally influential about peanuts. have i ever mentioned peanuts before? i strongly doubt it. unless i am leading some sort of jekyll and hyde existence and THE OTHER ME is posting stuff about peanuts. you would tell me, right?

next up is blogging. i feel i do know some things about blogging, though i would not call myself a social media expert. i have failed, so far, to comprehend or use even a tiny bit storify, which i would like to do. i have started an account. i am following people. i want to use it, i do! frankly, storify frightens me. i need someone to literally show me how, i think. and not on a yootoob video either. i have tried looking at them and they make it worse.

klout believes i am influential in meditation. that’s nice. i would like to be more influential in meditation. i would like to hold a class. but i have to be content that i have managed to put one meditation online. the bodyscan i put on soundcloud has had 90 listens and 14 downloads. i wish i would get off my arse and do more.

dogs. fair play. i do have a dog and talk about her all the time. poor poppet was bitten on the ear today. its made her all trembly. she’s really wary of me because i keep wanting to look at it. does having a dog make a person influential? possibly, a bit.

wikipedia. sj! why am i influential about wikipedia? you gave me K+s!

social media. well, i use it. er… so does everyone else. don’t get that one, although, to be fair, klout only believes i have about half a centimeter’s worth of influence.

japan. ken has given me K+ in japan. why? ken? why?

books. it is TRAGIC how little influence i have about books, tragic.

fashion. even less for fashion. and that’s after i had a healthy score for fashion then it dropped off my list and I had to put it back on there MYSELF. it’s barely hanging on!

bacon. THANKS SJ! it’s nice to be in with the bacon crowd, even if it is entirely undeserved.

and all the way down at number 20 is ‘pets’. why i am influential about dogs and animals and not so much pets i don’t know. there was a time when klout believed i was influential in ‘cats’ which was sad because poppet had just been involved in the manslaughter of a cat. it was a sad passage in our lives. she never learns. she looked into the canal at the dead cat as if to say ‘we’re not playing anymore then?’

so, that’s all my klout topics reviewed for the moment. it’s all very gripping. give yourself some K+ in some sort of topic which implies tenacity if you made it this far. you won’t be able to have ‘tenacity’ itself, that would be way too simple. i once tried to give ken K+ in dog vomit because he’d heroically made a dog sick who had eaten a load of chocolate. i had to give him K+ in chocolate instead. disingenuous? perhaps. welcome to the world of klout.


14 thoughts on “i’ve got klout

  1. Ummmm….I think you already had Klout given by Klout and it looked so lonely sitting there with no other +Ks, so I felt bad for your sad little wikipedia klout! Does that make sense? :p

      1. My topics that make me happiest are Haiku, Beastie Boys, Unicorns and eBooks.

        The topics I don’t understand are Clothing, Prison and Chocolate. I don’t even eat chocolate (well, rarely) so I don’t get that one at all.

        1. i am jealous of your topics. there, i said it.

          PRISON! crikey!

          can you write a haiku that includes beastie boys, unicorns, ebooks, clothing, prison, and chocolate? probably not. too many of them. but it does sound like a possible country and western song.

  2. I’ve never learned why dogs can’t eat chocolate. Can you enlighten me on that Elaine? Oooh and Klout, I’d heard of it but never really knew until I read this.

    I’ll be checking out your meditation on Soundcloud.

    And what happened? Are your eyes alright now? I hope so.


    1. it can kill them in sufficient quantities. and it was a small dog, a daschund.

      do! it’s 20 mins, i sound a bit faltering at first, but do get into my stride.

      complete waste of time, the op. plus my dad’s money. still, i guess if i hadn’t had the operation i would have always wondered if it would have been the miracle cure to save me.

      it wasn’t about my eyes, it was the corrugator muscle above them. it’s the frown muscle. this guy had been doing it as a vanity op in the usa and kept hearing from patients that their migraines had stopped. he then moved back to germany to concentrate on that application.

      i can’t frown now, but i can’t complain about that. i agreed to the op because i couldn’t see that it would do much damage, and it hasn’t. i look normal apart from the no frowning thing.

  3. Klout is the strangest thing in the world. The only topics that actually pertain to me were added by my friends. The ones that Klout thinks I’m influential about are things that I am NOT influential about. Beer, for example. I don’t drink it, I hate it, and if I’ve ever influenced anyone, it’s in the negative, to influence them NOT to drink it, because ew. Or CLOWNS. Why, Klout? Why do you do this to me? I like my pudding Klout. And my cheetah Klout. Those are things I am influential about. For sure.

    1. i can’t say i’ve ever heard you mention beer… but CLOWNS? yes.

      you are influential about clowns. you raise awareness about their EVIL WAYS.
      actually, when i was a student i made a screen print of scary clown faces. they freak me out so much that when i gave helen those drawings i did of her i also gave her the last remaining print, but i didn’t post it because it kind of scares me. i did photograph it, though.

      ready? here it is null

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