i’ve got klout

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klout is a very humbling site. no matter how much i use it i have never really understood it.

as far as i can usefully see, it’s, i don’t know, some sort of marketing thing? anyway, you are supposed to be able to measure how influential you are in various topics, which might be impressive? to someone? (either someone who has heard of klout and knows how it works or else someone who has never heard of it and who is easily blinded by the sheer effervescence of internet thingumyjigs.) if i use it at all it is to try and give someone K+ points for something silly which klout doesn’t have, so twisting their categories round for fun.

in the meantime, i have lots of KLOUT. i am just hooching with it. i have a steady score of about 50. whatever that means. apparently my ‘true reach’ has gone down. aaw. it’s gone from nearly two thousand to under one thousand. why and why? as fun as it may or may not be to look at graphs that mean nothing to me, i have to say, my favourite thing is the randomness of my TOPICS.

i am currently influential about 20 topics. thankyou thankyou thankyou.

top of the pops, in at number 1 is…

tea.  well, this is reasonable enough, since actual people have given me K+s in tea. so it makes sense. plus i do mention tea a fair bit on twitter, and klout gets it’s info on me from twitter and fb.

libraries are next highest on the list. now, it is possible i might have posted an article about libraries on fb? otherwise i don’t know how i got all the klout. it went straight in at number two with no people giving me K+s. it’s a mystery. i did review a book on goodreads that i read about 20 years ago, d’you think that’s what it was about? i mean, i like libraries, but i haven’t used one in years.

tumblr is at number 3. fair enough. i am on tumblr, and i tag posts where i mention it, so that is fair enough. am i INFLUENTIAL though? possibly. i remember helping someone once with a question about tumblr… oh! wait! i wrote a blog post called pinterest v tumblr so – where’s my damn klout in pinterest, eh?

at 4 is photography. back in the game here with an actual person, our ken, of lahikmajoe fame (his blog is right there on the side bar, no i am not linking to it, just look yourself!) gave me K+s in photography. which is kind, since he can obviously actually do photography in a way in which i am not even a good amateur. i know what a good picture looks like, but cameras are way too technical for me. i tend to turn the flash off, and that’s about it for my technical skills.

klout believes i am influential about the olympics. well, okay, i’ll bite. it is true that i have posted a number of articles and blogs about the snipers and missiles and the protests around the olympics. bless them for thinking that that IS the olympics. or maybe they are ahead of the curve, maybe the social unrest and private police forces ARE the olympics, now?

oatmeal. really? oatmeal? do you mean PORRIDGE? klout, this may be the first time i have ever mentioned porridge. ever.

animals. klout believes i am influential about animals. well, if you count posting pictures of laughing foxes and videos of talking dogs as being INFLUENTIAL then yes. yes i am!

berlin. i have mentioned berlin in this blog. i posted a photo of the cosy wasch next door to my hotel, once. i went to berlin ages ago to have an operation to fillet the frown muscles out from over my eyes. the woman in the next bed got 100% better from having this operation. me? nada. i got nothing but a couple of chances to practice my schoolgirl german.

oh yeah, and a face like this for a week.

hunger games. well, i have actually done a whole blog post about the hunger games so that seems reasonable. though whether i actually influenced anyone with my review i would rather doubt. still, nice of them to notice. i put rather a lot of work into that.

for some reason i am equally influential about peanuts. have i ever mentioned peanuts before? i strongly doubt it. unless i am leading some sort of jekyll and hyde existence and THE OTHER ME is posting stuff about peanuts. you would tell me, right?

next up is blogging. i feel i do know some things about blogging, though i would not call myself a social media expert. i have failed, so far, to comprehend or use even a tiny bit storify, which i would like to do. i have started an account. i am following people. i want to use it, i do! frankly, storify frightens me. i need someone to literally show me how, i think. and not on a yootoob video either. i have tried looking at them and they make it worse.

klout believes i am influential in meditation. that’s nice. i would like to be more influential in meditation. i would like to hold a class. but i have to be content that i have managed to put one meditation online. the bodyscan i put on soundcloud has had 90 listens and 14 downloads. i wish i would get off my arse and do more.

dogs. fair play. i do have a dog and talk about her all the time. poor poppet was bitten on the ear today. its made her all trembly. she’s really wary of me because i keep wanting to look at it. does having a dog make a person influential? possibly, a bit.

wikipedia. sj! why am i influential about wikipedia? you gave me K+s!

social media. well, i use it. er… so does everyone else. don’t get that one, although, to be fair, klout only believes i have about half a centimeter’s worth of influence.

japan. ken has given me K+ in japan. why? ken? why?

books. it is TRAGIC how little influence i have about books, tragic.

fashion. even less for fashion. and that’s after i had a healthy score for fashion then it dropped off my list and I had to put it back on there MYSELF. it’s barely hanging on!

bacon. THANKS SJ! it’s nice to be in with the bacon crowd, even if it is entirely undeserved.

and all the way down at number 20 is ‘pets’. why i am influential about dogs and animals and not so much pets i don’t know. there was a time when klout believed i was influential in ‘cats’ which was sad because poppet had just been involved in the manslaughter of a cat. it was a sad passage in our lives. she never learns. she looked into the canal at the dead cat as if to say ‘we’re not playing anymore then?’

so, that’s all my klout topics reviewed for the moment. it’s all very gripping. give yourself some K+ in some sort of topic which implies tenacity if you made it this far. you won’t be able to have ‘tenacity’ itself, that would be way too simple. i once tried to give ken K+ in dog vomit because he’d heroically made a dog sick who had eaten a load of chocolate. i had to give him K+ in chocolate instead. disingenuous? perhaps. welcome to the world of klout.

blogs on fire

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well now! i have been given an AWARD. because i am ON FIRE. well, at least rosewinelover thinks so, and who am i, mere bigheaded mortal that i am, to disagree? she describes me as “Long-time friend, lover of Staffordshire Bull Terriers. Sweet, adorable lunatic.” which goes to show she knows something about me.

ahem. so here’s the award, which i have already proudly emblazoned on my sidebar

and here’s what i have to do as a recipient;

SEVEN secrets and EIGHT nominations.

i don’t make the rules, bubs. (as SOMEONE* might say…)

okay, not secrets so much as some things you might you not know about me… let’s see…

1. i recently commented on a product I HAD NOT BOUGHT on amazon. i can’t remember who posted the link to it, someone on twitter, and i got itchy fingers. i’d never written anything on amazon before, and i did wonder if they might come to my front door and vaporize me for saying;

“We don’t know when or if this item will be back in stock.”, March 29, 2012

This review is from: My New Pink Button – Bettie (Health and Beauty)

“We don’t know when or if this item will be back in stock.”

well, GOOD.

who even thought of this? it is dismal. completely offensive. it actually epitomizes the self hatred we are encouraged to feel. don’t hate yourself enough yet? buy our product and watch a little piece of your soul DIE.

***

unbelievably, to me, this product is for making your private parts pretty. with makeup. because that’s what we’ve all been longing to be able to do, right?

some of the other reviews are actually VOMITINGLY funny. and i can thoroughly recommend the thrill of joining in. i meant to blog about it before, but the hunger games got in the way.

2. on klout i am ‘influential’ about 16 topics, one of which is klout itself. this is insane, because of all the interweb things in all the world i understand klout the least. topics real people have given me klout in are; tea, blogging, chocolate, and vaccines.

through the mighty power of whatever spying software it employs, klout also ‘believes’ i am influential in; klout, animals, meditation, coffee, books, birds, horror, facebook, bacon, pets, cats, and dogs.

among the bizillionty one other things that confuses me about klout, there is also the fact that there was a time, gentle reader, when klout believed that i was influential about fashion. now, i took this PRETTY DAMN SERIOUSLY. so i wrote this post about my fashion predictions for 2012, and a further one because, you know, I AM INFLUENTIAL ABOUT FASHION. but in the meantime klout have WITHDRAWN fashion as a topic. so i added it back just now. because, you know, me and fashion – we’re LIKE THAT. so. 17 topics, now. take THAT, klout!

3. the closest i have ever come to being anywhere near viral was with this picture;

which i posted on tumblr ages ago, and which turns up reblogged regularly. i don’t usually tumblr my own photos or artwork because i am not currently active as a visual artist. i enjoy clicking through and seeing what other pictures the rebloggers post it with. i follow them if i like what they are posting.

4. i once went to a club night dressed up as frida kahlo

my friend grace took the picture. the theme was “night of a thousand sombreros”. people literally treated me as if i actually was frida kahlo. as if i was famous. i wasn’t! i was DRESSED UP as someone famous! people are mental.

5. i will  be 50 this year. FIVE – OH!!!!!!! fifty. so weird. soooo weird.

i will have some friends round. my friend BJ was visiting yesterday, and she asked me what i wanted for my birthday, and i said CAKE.

because, cake, right? i didn’t even think about  it, and it is an awesome idea. i am friends with some very good cooks. my place is probably pretty comfy for a dozen people, so i can only invite a handful plus their significant others. makes it pretty easy to know who to invite. it will be the people who have been in my life over the past year. people who helped when i moved, when i was ill, and when i was mental. if i could have everyone i wanted i would, of course, want to invite the internet. well, not everyone on the internet, but bloggers and tweeters and the like. i will have to do some sort of birthday blog.

fifty, people. that’s half a damn century. only two of mes takes you back to the titanic sinking. think of that.

6. i have mucked out pigs. this is pig poo;

it’s like big rabbit droppings. my cousin has a bunch of rescue animals, two of which are BACON pigs. they are nice chaps, but don’t get between them and food, is all.

7. the first place i posted regularly was citynoise.org. and it was peter from cn who taught me how to gank images and make hot links. and that is how much html i have ever needed to keep all my blogging free for a decade. thanks, peter!
this;

‘robot building’ prompted a great thread.

so, that’s my seven things, and here are my eight nominees for the BLOG ON FIRE award. of course, this is going to be VEXED. largely because i follow quite a lot of blogs who either don’t follow me back or else never comment, have themed blogs which they would never deviate from. so, what to do? i probably don’t know eight bloggers who would want the award, half the people i read are not even blogging publicly. here’s the deal. i am going to tell you about blogs i like reading. just that. there may be one or two who pass the badge on. but i’d rather tell you about blogs i like than try to get a full quota of people who might reblog.

here goes.

1. so the SOMEONE  i mentioned thusly * is lucysfootball. wisecracking frizz haired amy, who blogs EVERY DAY! every single day. it’s like blogging is her superpower.

2. my favourite tumblr blogger is @mariskreizman at  slaughterhouse90210 as with a lot of really good creative projects, hers is a simple idea which no one else thought of.

3. ‘have a go’ blogger lahikmajoe has a blog about tea, but his wp blog has bits about all sorts in. he’ll blog about anything from the political stramash about gunter grass’s poem about israel to trying to blog in lowland scots, a dialect which most scottish writers avoid, so tricky is it to get right.

4. i want to nominate a ‘magazine’ now, souciant.com. my good internet friend charlie bertch set this up with his chums, and it’s pretty great. this is what he wrote about the hunger games, and here is a really interesting piece on the gunter grass furore. you can follow this in the wp reader, so i am counting it as a blog.

5. chiller writes about all sorts. her recent post on watering the garden may have saved my garden’s life.

6. this piece by sj made me laugh. i mean, we’re bloggers, right? we are going to like a rant about blogging.

7. eldon is hilarious. that is all.

8. i don’t write novels but i follow noveldoctor because he is clever and funny. and if you write anything it is useful to read stuff about writing. i read stephen king’s on writing recently, and it was really interesting. and useful. and so is this blog. he also tweets @noveldoctor.

and, see? once i liberated myself from the thrall of trying to think about who would like having this award, who would follow the memey bit of it, all that stuff, and just recommended some blogs i got through it really fast and could go on. this list doesn’t even replicate my blogroll. i know! crazy, right? who knew a blogger might read loads of different blogs?

live and learn, people. live and learn.

my fashion predictions for 2012

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yesterday ‘klout’ informed me that i was ‘probably influential’ about fashion. i don’t know if there is anything in the history of the internet more useless than ‘klout’ but if there is i certainly don’t even want to know about it. klout has insisted, for some time, that i am influential about cars. reader, i am NOT. i haven’t driven in a decade. and i have never owned a new car, only had cast offs. call that ‘being influential’ if you like, robot, but you clearly know me even less well than your friends the bots on twitter who now follow me because i slipped up and said something about a *thing*.

so!

pay attention! fashion news ahead!

i predict!

DRUM ROLL!

that i will mostly be buying whateveritis that other people got fed up buying last year and is now languishing in the heavily discounted section.

and, to be perfectly honest, i don’t mind. relying on prices being at rock bottom, it saves me money and it saves me having to use my imagination and “choose” stuff. and i think that, for once, i am not in that much of a minority. i am long past being gamine and am fed up wearing all black. i tried it. all that happens is that you get to a critical point in your wardrobe where you actually can’t see any of your clothes.

Auguste Raynaud (1854 - 1937) Night

plus, although black hides a multitude of sins, we are not all goths or teaching at the london school of fashion. CAST IT OFF! i say. or at least, cast some of it off and wear something else to break up the monotony.

as well as being “womanly” shaped, i am also “mature” I WILL BE 50 IN 2012!

i know. settle down.

this means a few things. crucially, for me to be a credible ‘influence’ on fashion theory and ponderings, i have seen fashion’s cycles come round a few times and i know that you can be devoted to a fabric or a style, and it can be “yours” until it comes into fashion and by the next year your whole look is OVER for everyone, but most especially, you. this is upsetting the first time it happens, but at a certain point you think hang on if i like this stuff and probably the best of it will be remainedered by the end of the season i can clean up.

hence, i have historically been happy to see tartan come in to fashion, for instance, and this year we get a really nice picking. summer 2011 saw versions of that classic coco chanel pinch, the breton shirt, all over the place. i will be snaffling myself some of those, which i will wear for a DECADE – forget a ‘year’.

::happy sigh::

another thing that was popular last summer that is still showing up in sales is black maxi dresses. there were quite a few maxi dresses around altogether, but i found the black version rather startling. people were wearing it as a day dress, and it just looked as though there were people who belonged in an orchestra pit who had lost their way to the west end wandering all over london.

oi, love, stage door’s that way i wanted to shout at them.

given that these frocks will now be under twenty quid on the racks of TK MAXX i think i might invest. they are made of t shirt material, so quite comfy, and i can see myself gardening in one.

LUVVY!!